You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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