he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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