if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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