After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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