I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
