You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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