I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
