Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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