It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
