these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
