as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
