That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
