So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
