I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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