I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
