I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
The best revenge is premature balding
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
