Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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