if you like me you must not know who I am
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am midnight drunk by noon
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
