dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
