so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
