just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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