after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
