hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
