Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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