you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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