Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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