after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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