I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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