Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
