So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
