dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
smell my finger.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
