if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
