Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
