Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
