I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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