Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
