I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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