She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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