I puked a lego.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
