i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
