i'm signing you up for texting rehab
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
