Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
