She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
