so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize