The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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