we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
