her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have aggressive nipples.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
