dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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