i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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