I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
