I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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